BLOG POST # 1 Judith Cotton, LMFT 6/4/2017 REAL ANSWERS 2
PLEASING PARTNERSHIPS Good relationships and partnerships do not just happen. True
when you meet someone for the first time you have a sense as to whether there
may be a connection - or shared interests, ideas and values. However, the relationships that last and
become intimate take a great deal of energy, insight and effort. I might even say they are a lot of work. The other day I heard someone say (could have been on the
radio) that long marriages take work and long happy marriages are lucky in that
they work. That may be true - and if it
is then there are ways to improve the luck and lessen the work. Number one is to give up the idea that you can change your
partner. Control ends at your fingertips. You can cause, invite make it easy for your
partner to change by working on yourself.
If you stop and think before you speak to ponder on how your words will
affect the other person and decide how best to say something - you may not bat
a 1000 but if you are genuinely interested and come from a place of respect and
caring, you will often get whatever you need.
The other day I had a couple who resorted to yelling allegedly
to get their point across. Actually, they did so in my office - After my moment
of disbelief I tuned in and realized that neither one was able to hear what the
other was saying - they were just yelling at each other with no listening or
understanding. Nothing was going to be accomplished. Each needed to be right - in control and had
long passed whatever it was they were trying get accomplished. WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR IN A RELATIONSHIP? Defining the goal and keeping that in mind
takes maturity, and calm communication. Even
when I coach parents who quite often are more right than their child is; I ask
if you are the winner, what is your child?
In Respectful Relationships there is no score keeping, no
tit for tat, or retaliation you should have grown out of that by the third
grade. Be kind, authentic, accountable
and respectful - and others will treat you the same way. If they do not, then patiently find out what
it might be that they do not see as kind, or respectful, and trust that how
they feel is true for them. Can you be
trusted to hear feelings - just hear them and understand their validity to the
other? That is what is required. It may not have been what you intended for them
to feel - however it is their right to feel their own feelings. Be ready to correct the message in order to
help them FEEL differently. |
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